Naruto's Guide to Villains
by Crimson Cupcake
Summary: Oh look! A villain! What does Naruto do? Read his handbook, of course! But alas, not everything goes according to plan *COMPLETED*
1. Teh List

**Pre-notes:** Hello and welcome to...The Guide to Villains! This book has been purchased by:

Uzumaki Naruto

Please read the steps below and follow the instructions, just in case you meet Villains. Thanks you.

Art is a Bang XD

* * *

**_How to Identify Villains_**

Ggiant flappy black cloaks with red clouds --That's usually the signal to run away as fast as possible

Purple belts

If they're pedophiles

If they have a bad sense of fashion

If they have the Sharingan/are an Uchiha. Remember, all Uchiha's, Sasuke included, are EVIL!

Generally if they look creepy (Shino excluded)

**_What to do if there are Villains_**

Run away as fast as possible

If unable to run, or frozen with fear, dump water on them, then run away as fast as possible

If faced with a snake pedophile, bribe him with something about little kids, preferably someone from another side. E.g. Itachi (that would really come in handy)

If faced with puppets, fight with the help of women.

If faced with bombers or pyromaniacs, chop of their arms first.

If faced with immortals, use your brain. That's why it's there.

If faced with money-lovers, bribe them with money.

If faced with sharks, summon giant frogs. Why? Because frogs eat sharks...right?

If faced with Sharingan users, counter with Byakugan users (hopefully someone you know).

If faced with plants, _attempt_ to burn them, but actually don't, because they'll kill you. Really.

If faced with 'good boys', attempt to start a conversation that will not involve your death.

If faced with origami-users, dump water on them, then run away as fast as possible (as repeated in step 2)

If faced with the Rinnegan...JUST RUN LIKE HELL!

If a random villain pops up, dump water on them, then run away as fast as possible. (as repeated in steps 2 and 12)

**_What to do if you're captured by Villains_**

Attempt to fight your way out, although don't expect it to work because it never does.

Attempt to talk your way out, although that never works either

Bribe your way out. Only works with the greediest villains, Kakuzu included.

Threaten your way out. Warning: Will not be very effective.

Plead your way out. Will. Never. Work (unless faced with Sasuke/Itachi).

Volunteer to give something back in return.

If all else fails, cry.

**A/N: **Well, wasn't that nice? Short stories are going to be comming soon concerning Naruto and his villains, so watch for them :D

Please review, it makes the 'short stories' longer XD

Have a nice day


	2. Itachi and Kisame

A/N: Okay, this turned out not so short, but whatever I thought I'd update soon, since I have muse to write fanfics -smile- So...enjoy I guess :P

**Disclaimer: **What part of 'I don't own Naruto' don't you understand?

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"Huh? What's this?" Uzumaki Naruto peered closely at the package that had been stuffed unceremoniously through the letter gap in the door. It looked something like a...book? Curiosity aroused, the blond trudged over to his sofa and collapsed onto it, ripping the packaging paper simultaneously. Out fell a small, orange book.

"This better not be something Kakashi-sensei sent me," Naruto thought out loud, looking at the titled.

_**AN IDIOT'S GUIDE TO VILLIANS**_

"What the...?" Naruto flipped the book over and read the blurb.

'_Villains terrorising you? Need help? _**'An Idiot's Guide to Villains' **_is perfect for you! Featuring the many S classed criminals our world has to offer, as well as a variety of ways on how to defeat them._

_Terrified upon meeting them? Don't know what to do? Don't worry, our simple step by step instructions will show you. Even idiots will know once we have completed the mission. Now, let us face those criminal missing-nins together!_

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Art is a bang XD_

. . .

Uzumaki Naruto was speechless. What? Why did he need such a stupid book? He raised it up, about to throw it into the trash can which was overfilled already, when he noticed a yellow sticky note on it.

_n AruTo. _

_jusT tHouG ht yOu migHt nEeD Thi S boOK._

_kEep iT WitH yoU a T AlL tiMeS._

_rEad & foL low tE h inStruCtiOns_

_JIr aiYA_

It was hard figuring out Ero-Sennin's writing. But at last, Naruto did. The note said:

_Naruto._

_Just thought you might need this book._

_Keep it with you at all times_

_Read and follow the instructions_

_Jiraiya_

"Ero-sennin's writing is even worse than mine-ttebayo!" Naruto complained to the air. "I mean, look at those gaps and random capitalizing! He even put a space through his own name-ttebayo! And he doesn't even know how to spell 'the'. Geeze...Who am I learning from these days, Dattebayo? And why would I even need such a stupid book?"

Naturally, the air didn't respond.

Nevertheless, Naruto decided to open the book, just in case. What was written in there was...really for idiots. I mean, Giant flappy black cloaks with red clouds? What sort of villains wear those? And purple belts? Wtf? And all Uchiha's aren't evil! Especially _not_ Sasuke! And Shino does not look creepy! What was wrong with the book? Maybe Naruto was just too stupid for his own good...

After scanning through the whole book, Naruto remembered Ramen. Ramen. Ramen. He stepped out of the house, making his way towards Ichiraku Ramen store when... two 'giant flappy black cloaks with red clouds' appeared in his vision. One wasn't short, but was comparatively shorter than the one which towered over him. The blond noticed the shorter one had Sharingan eyes and raven black hair, while the taller one had blue skin and triangles under his eyes. Do that maths.

He quickly flipped through the Villain book, as he had decided to call it, and found the 'Identify Villains' chapter. "Giant flappy black cloaks with red clouds. Check. Bad sense of fashion. Check. If they have the Sharingan or if they're an Uchiha. Check. If they look creepy. Ya. Check." Naruto said out loud, checking through the chapter.

Itachi and Kisame (I've given you enough clues) stared at him, dumbfounded. They were watching the strongest Jinchuuriki flip through a book. And on top of that, the book was written by someone called Art is a bang XD whom they had never heard of.

"Looking pretty stupid, isn't he, Itachi-san," Kisame smirked.

"Hn," came the impassive reply. Kisame waited, then realized that was the only reply he'll get.

Naruto meanwhile, was still flipping through the book. "YOU GUYS ARE VILLAINS-ttebayo!" he shouted suddenly, pointing a dramatic finger towards the Akatsuki duo.

". . . Duh!" Kisame replied, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"Okay. So...what to do if I meet villains...Run away as fast as possible? But Ichiraku Ramen is over there...Okay. I got it-ttebayo!"

Naruto started to run. But not away. Straight towards Itachi and Kisame. "Get out of the way, I'm running away from villains-ttebayo! Oh wait...you guys _are_ the villains. Crap..." Okay, so what was the second step in the book? Dump water on them! The blond grabbed a nearby full bucket and turned it upside down on top of the two Akatsuki members. What came out, however, was not water. It was...COW MANURE!

"AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!" The girly scream shattered the air. Konoha residents could only watch as the two feared Akatsuki members pelted out of their village. Was this really the infamous Akatsuki?

Naruto skipped off, acting as if nothing had happened. Maybe he would keep the book after all...

* * *

**A/N: So how did it go? Come on, review please? I tried my best! I really did -puppy eyes-**

**Review or I might not update so soon D: And you won't like that...no you wont..**

**Anyway, after you review, Have a nice day**


	3. Orochimaru and Sasuke

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A/N: Two updated stories in one day! I've got muse pumping! lol...Well, here it is whether you waited for it or not...

**Disclaimer: Naruto. Is. Not. Mine. Although that handbook belongs to me and it is copyright to Art is a bang XD-chan...ya...NO STEALIE!**

**Last time, it was Itachi and Kisame. This time, we feature Orochimaru and Sasuke! Give them a round of applause for standing up to the Handbook!**

**-silence-**

**Uh...-sweatdrop- I think I'll just get on with the story**

* * *

After a good dose (usually 23 bowls) of Ichiraku Ramen, Uzumaki Naruto was feeling more refreshed than ever. With the familiar orange book about villains in his hand, the blond Jinchuuriki bounced past people in the streets. Just a few hours ago, he had defeated two of the most feared S Ranked Criminals in the Bingo Book and Members of Akatsuki, Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame. Brilliant much?

Naruto half skipped towards the training area he was going to spend time training in for today. But as he neared, some familiar voices drifted past. And they weren't exactly the best voices in all of Konoha.

"Sasuke-kun, ready to show me what you're made of?"

"Get on with it, Orochimaru."

"Very well, let's see you do that Shuriken throwing technique I taught you yesterday."

"I learnt that technique six years ago."

"No matter. Whoever stands in your way will fall to your throwing Shuriken attack. Try to increase the speed up to one shuriken a minute, will you?"

"One shuriken a minute?"

"Is that too much for you? Very well. Two shuriken a minute."

"That's even harder," Sasuke's bemused voice replied.

"Oh yes, of course. One shuriken every five minutes. That will do, no?"

"That...is putting my ability to the limit. It will do..."

"Get started then."

Every five minutes, Naruto would be greeted with a solid _thump_ on wood. In the end, he couldn't take it anymore.

"Will you guys give me a break?" he screamed, jumping out of a random bush. "I'm trying to train here! And a thump every five minutes isn't exactly helping-ttabayo!"

"I told you, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru purred.

"Wait...Sasuke? I've heard of that name somewhere..." Naruto dived into the Idiot's Guide to Villains and began searching for the name. "Oh wait...here it is! I'll read it straight from the book...Remember, all Uchiha's, including Sasuke, are evil..."

One second passed.

Two seconds passed.

"OH MY WILL-OF-FIRE SASUKE'S EVIL!"

Sasuke stared back with half-open eyes. "Duh, idiot."

"Teme."

"Baka."

"Teme."

"Brat."

Teme."

"Will you stop saying that?" Sasuke finally cracked.

"What? Teme?" asked the unsuspecting blond.

"Yes! STOP SAYING TEME!" Sasuke screeched.

"Oh...okay, teme."

Sasuke twitched. His patience was being pushed over the line.

"That's it. Orochimaru, watch me. Naruto, I present to you...MY SHURIKEN THROWING TECHNIQUE!" Sasuke screamed, throwing a single shuriken at Naruto. "Beware, the next one will be in four minutes! That's almost impossible for me! Do I make you proud, Orochimaru?"

"Why of course, Sasuke-kun. Four minutes is really a great feat."

Naruto, meanwhile, wasn't paying attention. He was quickly flicking through his book, muttering. "Gotta find something...gotta find something... Let's see, 'if faced with a Snake Pedophile, bribe him with something about little kids,' huh? Like Itachi? Um...HEY! OROCHIMARU! I'll give you Itachi if...you...teach me that shuriken technique too-ttebayo!"

_Meanwhile..._

Itachi sneezed, dumping water on himself in a river a mile away from Konoha.

"A cold, Itachi-san?" Kisame asked, swimming in the river.

"Someone's talking about me. I bet it's that Jinchuu...I said too much," the Uchiha muttered to himself.

_Back to story..._

"DEAL!" Orochimaru screamed, punching his fist up into the air.

"Good old fashioned book-ttebayo," Naruto said contently, flipping through its pages once more. "If faced with Sharingan users, counter with Byakugan users..." The blond looked around, wondering if he could find Neji or Hinata anywhere. Unluckily for him, they weren't anywhere in sight.

"Um...Orochimaru...I'll give you that puppet guy if you stop Sasuke from killing me-ttebayo," Naruto said hastily, using the same technique he had used before.

"Puppet guy?" Orochimaru questioned.

"Kankurou?" Sasuke questioned.

"No...that Akatsuki puppet guy..." Naruto frowned, trying to remember the name.

"SASORI-KUN!"

"Ahhh, yep, that's the one, Orochimaru," Naruto said proudly.

"I've never heard of him." Sasuke was sulking.

"Nor have I," Naruto admitted.

"But-"

"I've only heard of him from Sakura-chan. Dattebayo!"

"ANOTHER DEAL!" Orochimaru screamed, dragging Sasuke off, ignoring protests. "Oh, Naruto-kun! Hand me Itachi-kun and Sasori-kun in a week from now! I'll come back for the two of them! And after you give me both I'll teach you the shuriken technique!"

"Okay! Thanks Orochimaru!" Naruto waved, before setting off again, orange handbook tucked in his pocket.

What a useful little book it was.

**Did ya like it? Yes? No? **

**Who do you want me to do next? Tell in teh review! AKA Pweese REVIEW! You get cookies **

**Uh...yeah...I've got nothing to say so...**

**Have a nice day...I guess...you only get a nice day if you review though...hehehe**


	4. Sasori and Deidara

**A/N: **I know I was supposed to update Final Moments first, but I couldn't resist So bare with me here! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, especially to _devotedtodreams_ and _KaiyoUchiha_!! I'm sorry, but I've decided to do Sasori and Deidara first...although Deidara and Tobi will come later, I promise you! Hidan and Kakuzu will come next, though.

**Disclaimer: **Naruto. Is. Not. Mine. Am I clear? But the book belongs to me :)

**Warning: **I think Akatsuki dominated here again...so sorry...

* * *

With a huge grin plastered on his face, Naruto began to start training. One shuriken every five minutes was how fast Sasuke could do it. Right now, he could only throw one shuriken every ten minutes. He had to work harder if he was going to beat Sasuke.

"Right! Today I'm going to train non-stop for three hours, go eat ramen, and then train more-ttebayo!" he promised himself. "That book Ero-sennin gave me really came in handy-ttebayo…I beat two Akatsuki members, Sasuke _and _Oroblablaa by myself! I'm so awesome-ttebayo!"

Meanwhile, two people were hiding in a nearby bush, badly concealed because bright blond hair and a giant puppet could be easily visible.

"Danna…do you think he knows we're here un?"

"Of course not. Now shut up, brat. He'll hear us like this."

Naruto suddenly perked up at this. "I thought I just heard someone…"

The certain blond person jumped out of the bush.

"AHA! Uzuchiha Naruke yeah!"

Naruto blinked.

"Brat. It's Uzumaki Naruto." A redhead walked out from the bush, looking as bored as ever. "At least get the name right."

"But Danna, I thought it was Uchimaki Saruto, yeah!"

"That's different to what you said last time," Sasori pointed out.

"No it's not yeah! Just because you think I've got the wrong view of art doesn't mean you have to say I'm wrong at everything, yeah!"

"I think? Deidara, you're art knowledge is as lacking as ever."

"But art really is fleeting, yeah!"

"How many times do I have to tell you that it is eternal? Don't make me angry."

The argument went on and on, both sides refusing to yield. Naruto stood in the middle, scratching his head. What was wrong with these two? Maybe...The Jinchuuriki flipped through his book.

"Giant flappy cloaks with red clouds, huh? OH MY GOD YOU TWO ARE VILLAINS!"

Deidara and Sasori stopped arguing and turned to Naruto.

"How did you know, yeah?"

"The book says so." Naruto pointed to his guide to villains book. "See, it says here: if faced with puppets, fight with the help of women. If faced with bombers or pyroblablaa's, chop of their arms first."

At this point, Naruto looked up in time to see Deidara's visible eye twitching furiously and an anime vein appear on Sasori's head.

"Um...did I say something wrong?" he asked, bewildered.

Nobody replied, since Deidara had just decided that a little tackling was in order. Naruto fell under the weight, and it soon turned into a cat fight. Sasori attempted to capture Naruto, but was caught in the process too.

--

By the time they had finished, Deidara had two large scratches on his cheek and Sasori was out of Hiruko. And Naruto? Naruto was unconscious, chained up _inside_ Hiruko.

"We...finally...captured...him...yeah..." Deidara panted, sitting down and leaning against a tree trunk.

"Shut up, brat. We still have to get him back to the hideout."

Deidara grumbled, but finally fell silent.

--

"WE ARE HERE YEAH!" yelled a jubilant voice, echoing around the hideout.

"Shut _up_, Deidara. You'll wake the dead. Besides, you know how Itachi always wants his beauty sleep."

"I don't care about Itachi, yeah!"

"_Shut up_," Sasori hissed. Deidara fell silent. It was probably the smartest thing he had ever done this week.

"WE ARE HERE!" Sasori announced.

"Danna!" Deidara turned indignantly to his partner, but Naruto chose that moment to wake up.

"I got captured by villains-ttebayo!" he screamed, flipping through his handbook. "Fight your way out, huh? Deal-ttebayo!"

Naruto began kicking and punching and scratching at Hiruko, not realizing it was only a puppet. The odd noises coming from within Hiruko were enough to confound the two Akatsuki members.

"What the _hell_ is going on?" Sasori demanded.

"I...don't know un..."

"The Jinchuurikii's woken up. Brat, knock him unconscious again!"

"But you need to open Hiruko first, un!"

"Fine..." Sasori sighed and opened up Hiruko.

At the first source of light, Naruto jumped out and began running away back towards Konoha. "See ya, SUCKERS!"

Sasori twitched.

Deidara backed away rapidly.

And that was the last thing Naruto saw before he ran off into the distance.

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**A/N: **I know I've got the lamest ending, but blaa blaa blaa...

Please review? It makes me happeh! XD And flames will be used to burn whoever the flamer is...

Anway, review,

And have a nice day!


	5. Kakuzu and Hidan

**A/N: Bwahahahaha I'm back! Firstly, I shall apologize for my time which I have not update. Here are a bunch of excuses...but listen/read them anyway if you're angry with me -wimpers-**

**Well, I've been reaaaaaalllly busy, with school and stuff. Also, I have a Piano exam comming up! Oh, and I've found myself a beta You all saw it comming, (it's probably very easy to guess) **_Devotedtodreams!_** -claps- Well anyway, I should shut up.**

* * *

"Man, so many people are interrupting my training today-ttebayo," Naruto sighed, fingering a shuriken. He was finally going to start his training. "Now all I need to do is beat Sasuke and get him back." He drew his shuriken back, in an awkward attempt to throw it.

Suddenly, someone landed in front of him. Someone looking very familiar with a black cloak with red clouds. Too bad Naruto couldn't pin-point it. But he couldn't stop now. In slow motion, his hand moved a fraction.

A fraction more.

Another fraction.

And another.

The shuriken left his hand and travelled at such a slow pace, nobody could figure out how it was still hovering in the air. It flew, inch by inch, towards the horrified Akatsuki member. And then, with a dull thump, it landed right in him.

It took a few seconds for Naruto to react, and that was the fastest time he had ever reacted.

"So sorry-ttebayo!" he screamed, running over and taking the shuriken out.

The Akatsuki member just swore and wacked Naruto away. "Dammit, be more careful next time."

Naruto looked confuzzled for a moment. "Um...you're not dead?"

"I worship Jashin, I _can't_ die."

"What's Jashib?"

"JASHIN! You-"

"Hidan, aren't we supposed to capture him?"

"Shut up, Kakuzu. I'm having a sugar argument her- Wait...capture _this_ bastard? Seriously?"

"Didn't you listen to the mission briefing? Apparently, Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara had both failed in retrieving the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, so now it's our turn."

"Wait, so this son of a pineapple is the Kyubla Jinblablaa?"

"Kyuubi Jinchuuriki."

"Kyuuki Jinchuuribi?"

"You're hopeless."

Naruto flipped through his book. Black cloaks with red clouds? Even though he had met two pairs of Akatsuki members already, he didn't realize.

"You guys are...Aka...tee...suuu...kay?"

Kakuzu twitched. "Pronounce it properly! Akatsuki!"

"Aka...tee...suka?"

"You're even worse than I am. I suggest you worship Jashin now," Hidan commanded.

"What's Jashee again?"

"You _are_ hopeless," Hidan growled.

"I'll wait for you outside," Kakuzu muttered, stepping from outside into a building. Hidan gaped at his partner for a moment, before turning back to Naruto.

"Now let me make this quick. You worship Jashin and come with us quietly-"

"What do I get?" Naruto interrupted brightly.

"Immortality," Hidan said immediately.

"Um...uh...nah...I want candy."

"WHAT? YOU STRAWBERRY! Okay, how's this. You do that, and you get immortality _and_ candy?"

"Yes yes yes!"

"Come with us, then." Hidan led the way towards the forest. _Wow...this is the first Jinchuuriki that really agreed to my terms...I like this guy..._

"Hidan! Are you done yet?"

"Sherbet! I was done ages ago**,** Kakuzu!"

"That was quick," Kakuzu muttered, stepping out of the building. "He's not unconscious or dead? What did you do to him? Brainwash?"

"No. I bribed him with candy."

"We're not giving him candy**,** you bastard!"

"You're not giving me candy?" Naruto asked, looking between one and the other with a confused expression on his face. "But...but..." He looked at Kakuzu with puppy eyes. The Akatsuki member twitched.

"You. Come. With. Us. Or. Else."

"Come on, Kakuzu. This guy's pretty good. I reckon he can throw one shuriken in ten minutes," Hidan muttered.

"And you can throw one shuriken every seven minutes," Kakuzu growled. "But then again, your attacks _are_ the slowest in Akatsuki. I can throw one shuriken in three minutes."

"Wow!" Naruto looked at him in awe. "Really? I heard Sasuke-teme can throw one in five minutes. You're fast-ttebayo!"

"Of course I am," Kakuzu said smugly. "I fought the First Hokage, after all."

"You did?" Naruto looked even more elated. "How did it go?"

"Well..." Kakuzu began.

"You guys are apple ignoring me here!" Hidan almost screamed.

"Ignore him," Kakuzu muttered.

"KAKUZU! I thought we were supposed to capture him, not talk with him!"

"Oh yeah...come on Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, come with us."

"Candy?"

"NO!" both Hidan and Kakuzu yelled at the same time. Naruto flipped through his text book.

_When faced with money-lovers, bribe them with money..._

"Hey! Money-loving dude!" Naruto yelled.

"Hn?" Kakuzu turned, a surprised expression on his face.

"I'll pay you 7364873283829740000000000000000000000 dollars if you don't kidnap me!"

Kakuzu scanned the sheet of paper Naruto was holding out. "That's a lot of zero's," he stated, eyes turning into money signs already.

Naruto resisted saying, 'I just put random zero's on,' and just smiled brightly.

"Okay, I accept!" Kakuzu declared dramatically, dragging his partner into the woods.

"What the-? Kaku- Mmmmmmmhhhmmmm!" Hidan shrieked, getting his mouth covered by a thick glove.

"Looks like everyone's interested in my training," Naruto muttered to himself, getting another shuriken ready.

* * *

**A/N: Bwahahahaha...ha? . Review! It's easy! Press the button on the bottom left hand side, type a few words, then click send! See, easy huh? Now do it! Or else you don't get marshmallows!**


	6. Deidara and Tobi

**A/N: Bwahahahahahaha! Konichi wa! I'm back after a long absence! I don't have any excuses this time, and I don't want to keep you from reading the story. I think it's the best I've written so far and I'm very very proud of it :) Maybe my absence has inhanced my skills instead of dulling them? Oh well, we'll see, huh? This is Deidara and Tobi's attempt to capture Naruto! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Would I really make so many unfortunate members of the awesome organization of Akatsuki die (or get buried) if I was the creater of Naruto? Rhetorical question but the answer is: No!**

* * *

A giggle split the air just as Naruto spun the shuriken around on his finger. He immediately stopped and looked around, as one would do in the movies. "Who's there?"

"Oh, hi Naruto-kun! Tobi didn't know you noticed him." The giggle came again and a masked man stepped out of the bush again, followed by the reluctant, beady-eyed blond.

"You're back again!" Naruto pointed dramatically towards Deidara, who sighed and shrugged.

"Sadly, un. This time Tobi's doing it though. Do your stuff, hmm."

"Haaaai!" Tobi saluted, a hidden smile on his face. And it was hidden because...? He was wearing a mask. Duh. "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will make Senpai proud and work non-stop until he gets Naruto-kun to go with him!"

With a thump, Deidara allowed himself to fall backwards, lying in a spread-eagled position on the ground. "Go ahead," he yawned, turned over and fell silent_._

Tobi smiled widely again and turned towards the bewildered Naruto.

"You know, if you were finding somewhere to sleep, you could've just asked me-ttebayo."

"Oh no, Deidara-senpai's not sleeping," Tobi responded brightly. "I think he's dead."

"**I'm not dead!" **gawked the certain 'dead' blond.

Tobi jumped ten feet in the air, literally, before landing on his head in an awkward head-stance. "My mistake Senpai, my mistake."

Naruto blinked. "Waiiit a second! Are you guys from the Akablupi group or something?" he asked, flicking through his Guide to Villains again. "Yeah! It says here that if you have giant flappy cloaks with red clouds, you're a Villain!"

"I'm glad his brain capacity is big enough to understand that, un," Deidara muttered.

Tobi, however, shook his head happily. "Oh no no no, Naruto-kun! You got it all wrong. We're the Akasuda group and we're not villains! We're good boys," Tobi nodded.

"No you idiot!" Deidara screamed. "We're the Akatsuki and we are villains, not good boys! ...un..."

Naruto scratched his head. "You guys are confusing me," he admitted. "Where's that puppet guy you were with last time?" He pointed to Deidara, who snickered.

"He got killed by those Chiro and Sakuya people," he said proudly. "So much for being immortal and eternal, un."

"Sakuya sounds a lot like Sakura-chan-ttebayo," Naruto grinned, before remembering their original discussion. "Ano...why are you here to get me to go with you?"

"Because we're all good boys and we need you for a science experime- I mean...uh...to be a movie star," Tobi's cheesy smile grew as large as a crescent moon.

"Movie star? Awesome-ttebayo! I've always wanted to be the main character of a movie! Okay, here's the plot. The main character is me, Naruto. And the show will be called Naruto. He'll be in a like team with Sakura-chan and Shino, because he's quiet. Sakura-chan will like totally fall for him! And then these like bad guys called Akapoo will come after him and he'll beat them all to a pulp! How's that-ttebayo?"

Snore...snore...snore...

Naruto blinked and looked around. Deidara was lying on his back snoring, mouth wide open and drool dripping down one side of his mouth. Tobi was standing perfectly still.

"Tobi?" Naruto waved his hand in front of the masked man's face.

No response.

Tobi?"

No response.

"TOBI!"

Splash!

A dripping wet Tobi stood there, wide awake, staring at Naruto who was holding a bucket which used to be full of water. We can only guess where the water went.

"Oh hi Naruto-kun! Now, including our terms and conditions, will you agree to go with us?"

Naruto nodded eagerly. "Let us be off-ttebayo!"

--

"This is him?"

"This is him, Pein."

"Who retrieved the Kyuubi?"

"Deidara and Tobi."

"Deidara and Tobi? They were the ones least likely to succeed."

"I've kept telling you to stop doubting their abilities."

"You know full well that I have reason to doubt them, Konan. Especially Tobi. He-"

"Will the meeting hurry up and start already? Seriously! I still have to make sacrifices for Jashin-sama!" a fuming lavender-eyed immortal spat at the other members of the utterly serious organization.

"I have my money to count," a masked man rasped.

"I have training," a man with blood red eyes spoke up.

"I have Suigetsu-finding," a man that looked suspiciously like a fish contributed.

"I need to eat. **Humans! Give me humans!**" Something that resembled a plant said.

"Okay okay, I get your point," Pein said irritably. "Bring out the Kyuubi!"

Tobi bounced in cheerfully, followed by a hyper Naruto who couldn't help muttering "I'm going to be a movie star! This is so exciting! This is the best day of my life-ttebayo!"

Kisame stared. "Is that really him?"

"Yes. There's no mistake," Itachi breathed. "Then shall we commence the ceremony?"

"Yes." Pein nodded gravely.

Tobi smiled. "You know, I keep having a feeling we've left someone behind."

At sunset in Konoha, a certain blond woke up and swore.

* * *

**A/N: Haha! Now that's a good ending! Okay, maybe I'm too full of myself today. You'll review, right?**

**Review! You know you want to!**

**You know...**

**...You want...**

**...to review...**

**So do it! Naruto will be waiting for you to save him!**


	7. Akatsuki

**A/N: Kill me. Yeah, do it! I haven't updated this story in ages...but no worries, you won't wait any longer because: **

**a) It's finally here and...**

**b) I have decided this is the last chapter! Yes! Because all good things must come to an end, and to be honest, my interest in Naruto is lacking lately. I don't know if it will ever peak up again. I mean, I've even stopped following the manga! ::gasp:: It doesn't get any more serious than that. Oh, and sorry if my writing's a little hard to understand – you see, I suddenly have an intriguing addiction to Artemis Fowl, so I'll probably write or technical or something .**

**Dissie (disclaimer): I own Naruto about as much as I'm interested in the current plotline...which is about 0 percent. **

**Well anyway, I'm sorry for not updating, don't forget Hidan's swear words, and here's the story:**

Pein slapped his forehead for the thirteenth time that minute, recognising the fact that thirteen was considered unlucky. And despite being the leader of Akatsuki, he had some superstitions. "We can't do this," he growled.

Kisame looked up. He had decided to ignore the argument that was raging on at the other side of the cavern and was now examining his Samehada for scratches. "Why not, Leader-sama?"

Said Leader-sama glared, and Kisame dropped his gaze immediately. It wasn't nice being glared by their leader, because the orange-haired shadow had a very menacing glare. Namely the Rin'negan. "Because, Kisame-_kun_, the Kyuubi has a very interesting artefact here, that could send us all to our doom," he said irritably.

At the sound of the honorific, Kisame frowned. Leader-sama putting honorifics after someone's name? The world was definitely corrupted. He opened his mouth to reply, perhaps a query about the 'kun' part of his name that had suddenly been added on, and then closed his mouth again. Why? Because a certain raven-haired Uchiha was glaring daggers into his back. If looks could kill, this was the closest it got.

"I do not see anything very dangerous here," Itachi deadpanned.

Pein twitched and resisted the urge to slap his forehead. Was it his imagination, or was the Akatsuki getting dumber by the minute?

"Well, Itachi-_kun_," Pein said slyly, "do you not see that book the Kyuubi is clutching onto? I recognise it. It is none other than the only copy of the 'Guide to Villains' in existence!"

As the sentence came to a stop, a loud snigger was heard. "And the Guide to Villains is strawberry harmful why, exactly?" Hidan smirked. "Oh yeah, and don't call me that _kun_ shit."

Pein eyed his second-newest coldly. "The Guide to Villains," he muttered ominously (one could almost hear the music playing in the background), "is a sacred book written by none other than the First Hokage himself! In there is the secret on how to defeat even the smartest, strongest and most cunning villains!"

Zetsu blinked. "Wow...**That was melodramatic..."**

--

Meanwhile, Uzumaki Naruto had problems of his own. And what were those problems? A long story short, the rest of Akatsuki not engaged in Pein's conversation were terrorizing him. He cowered in a corner, giving the members wide-eyed stares.

"Ku ku ku, the Kyuubi is ours at last!" Kakuzu proclaimed dramatically, pointing a threatening finger at Naruto, who began to flick fervently through his book.

"You guys are...villains?" the blond sniffed, pointing innocently at Tobi.

"No no no, Naruto-kun, we're good boys," said the masked man. Naruto imagined a twinkle in his eyes.

But this time, he didn't believe it. "Nuuuuu. The handbook has never got me in trouble and I'm sticking to it!" It looks like a certain someone is getting smarter. Slightly.

"Candy?" Konan offered, spilling out a bunch of candy canes.

Naruto's eyes widened and he accepted it immediately. "Thanks-ttebayo! It looks like the handbook was wrong after all. You guys _are_ good!"

"Let's all forget about this Kyuubiness and throw a party!" With Tobi's tone of voice, one could imagine him smiling wildly. But what they didn't know was that the Madara underneath the mask was very pissed.

Bang.

Everyone's attention immediately spun to the entrance of the Akatsuki hideout to see the stone had been blasted open to forcibly make entrance for a certain blond. No, not Naruto, but close. Everyone stared, horrified, at what the certain blond did to the door, except for Tobi, who chose this instant to pounce.

"Deidara-sempai!"

The pyromaniac threw Tobi off him and proceeded towards Pein, trampling all in his way: namely everyone _else_ in Akatsuki.

"Sorry I'm late, Leader-sama," he huffed, throwing a furious stare at Tobi's direction. "The stupid lollipop-loving loser didn't inform me about when we were going to leave...un..."

Two Rin'negan eyes stared menacingly. "No worries, Deidara-_kun,_ we seemed to have managed ourselves fine."

Deidara reeled back, shocked by Pein's honorific epidemic, and proceeded to trample over everyone again.

Itachi lifted himself up from the floor with as much dignity as he could muster. "L-Leader-sama," he said icily, although the effect was somewhat ruined by the stutter, "care to tell us why you are adding _kun_ after our names?"

Pein stared cluelessly. "Well, it's fun, of course," he smiled. "Let's throw a party!"

"Okay!" Naruto and Tobi yelled.

In that exact moment, six Akatsuki members tore off their cloaks and hats. "We resign!"

Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Deidara who had just come in stormed out of the place. Pein and Konan watched them go.

"Pein, I believe you may have just lost six of your members," Konan said, after a distinct pause.

The Leader of the now disbanded Akatsuki shrugged. "Why want members when you can have a party?"

Naruto smiled brightly. "You guys aren't bad after all!"

--

**A very short Epilogue**

As soon as the former Akatsuki members trampled out of sight, Pein glared at Naruto with his infamous Rin'negan. "Now, I can rule the world! Kukuku! Kyuubi, prepare to die!"

Naruto blinked twice.

Then he started crying.


End file.
